I’m Gonna Show Up

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.”

Psalm 119:114

Today, I learned the definition of what “doesnt amount to a hill of beans” means. Also, did you know that if you blow in your coffee cup your glasses fog? I was just trying to cool it off not get blinded by the cloud of fog in my way. My phone typed out dog instead there just in case anyone needed to know that. I found it pretty funny myself. Speaking of dogs, I love mine. He is my favorite even though he gets on my nerves twenty four six and if I have to throw one more tennis ball I do not know what to put there because we all know I will throw every tennis ball there is. What? I can not refuse his cute face. You try it.

Also, since you have heard from me last, I added two new fish to the family. Winchester and Waylon are their names even though most of the time I end up calling them Winlon and Waychester. I do not know why my brain switches it, but they do not seem to care so that is all that matters. Rose says that I am in denial. You know, the first step is admitting that I have a problem. Maybe I do have one. I mean, when I ask Nichole if I can bring this animal or that animal home she always says, “Sara, we already have a zoo sooo no”. Sometimes I just get a big ole no followed by no reason whatsoever. I guess I should be thankful for all of her no’s because by now I would probably own too many animals, and maybe I really would have a zoo. I bought the zoo tycoon game for my Xbox and I get too frustrated at that so I could not really imagine what a real zoo would be like. This is what happens when I do not write for awhile. Every thing just comes out in so many random ways. If you know me however you know that I am the most random so let us just continue on.

I have also been dealing with a lot of anxiety here lately. I have not been sleeping, sleeping too much, not being able to concentrate, panic setting in and you know all the other things that go with it. Today is the first day I have kinda felt “normal”. By that, I mean I made it to work on time. You know my late not really late. Eight thirty instead of pushing it at eight forty something, because leaving the house has now become a chore. I was in the word this morning in my quiet time, and I was reading about Elijah and the widow, Zarepath (that’s my next fish name for sure). Hold your thoughts one moment while I share the story. Elijah asked her to bring him some water to drink, and as she was walking away asked for a piece of bread as well. And she said to him, “I dont have any bread just a handful of flour and a little olive oil. I am gathering these sticks to make a meal for me and my son so we may eat it and die.” Pretty dramatic I thought until I realized there was a drought. How did I miss that? Anyway, so Elijah says to her, “Don’t be afraid. Go home and make your meal but first make a small loaf of bread for me. For the Lord God says the flour nor the oil will run out.” So she went, and there was food every day for them. The end. During this time of dark and scary, I picked up memorizing the scripture. It was the only thing my mind could concentrate on, and it has been my life line can I say? Every day, sometimes every thirty minutes, I was asking the Lord to show up. To speak the truth. To take away the heart racing panic. How could it be so dark when I have the light? I do not really know except to say this is a dry season – medicine or no medicine. But even in this season His word never runs out. It keeps going and going and going. This place is scary. I use to not be so afraid. I use to talk to strangers, you know have real conversations. I did not care if I was perfect or said the right thing. I could look you in the eye. I could get in my car and drive without thinking of the wrecks I could get in. The list well it goes on and on, but if I were here to focus on the bad then this would not serve its purpose under my blog. There is always hope and more grace upon grace. Always. Because I know the source of hope, and I know He sees me. He knows me. And He sits, or stands maybe even paces along through every battle of fear I face with me because that is WHO He is. My strength.

“As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.”

Psalm 18:30

So

Yes, I made it to work on time. My heart was still racing, my palms were sweaty, I was shaky, and the tears were trying to escape. The difference was I grabbed those scriptures I have been learning and repeated them the whole way. Yes. Out loud. I did this yesterday as well on the way to church. Sometimes, ya just gotta do it afraid, right? I am learning that when I keep my eyes on the Lord – he sustains me. I just have to know just because every single symptom of fear rises up I have to, it is so crucial for me, to remember it is not through my strength but through the One who won the battle. Because it is a real real (yes, I meant to put two reals) battle every single day. I can show up, or I can run. If I run for the rest of my life though basically I am probably going to have to have knee replacements and on a serious note I will never be who God intended for me to be. There is the big truth.

You know, Zarepath could have just looked at Elijah and not done what he asked. She could have not believed the Lord’s words, but she didn’t run. She went on home and baked a loaf of bread believing she would eat that night, too. Without the drought she would not need a reason to have faith. And how caring she must have been to put Elijah on her plate. I do not know why we always say “I got a lot on my plate” but I figure she had a plate too. Memorizing the Word of God is the best thing I could ever do, because let me just tell you when that panic sets in I can not always open my bible and read. But I can recall what is on my heart, and the truth of what my God says. Even if I do not feel it because I KNOW it is the truth. Ok, I should probably go throw the tennis ball now- JD has been chasing his tail for awhile waiting. I can not tell who is winning.