I Been Wonderin

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”

John 3:16

Ya know, when that runaway son took off to go live life on his own I wonder if he packed extra socks. I also wonder when Joseph was standing in the room with his brothers right before he told them who he was did he make sure he brushed his hair. I often forget to brush mine, and I do not even have big events like that. Sorry, mom, I’ll do better. Speaking of my mom-I will see her this weekend. I did not request chicken spaghetti, though, which I know is disappointing to some. She makes a mean one and no, I do not understand why I just called it that. My mom is a super hero who raised us four kids. And survived. She is the only one that can make cream of chicken soup the right way. Even though I have my dads personality- I got my mommas attitude. And the fight she puts up to stay in the ring.

My nightmares are back. They have been for a few days now, and when they are present a lot of stuff occurs. I battle my ED more than I would like to, I can not concentrate on even the easy tasks, I take excessive showers, I get super anxious, (meaning I am always on guard) and I refuse to talk to most people. I guess we call that isolation where I am from. Doctors call it PTSD, but I just call it a challenging day. A real challenging day. I go through stages of this, and today seems to be the hardest. I will not look you in the eye, because somehow I believe I am not worthy of that. And eating is now a chore that I do not want to do. Sometimes being this real is also not what I want to do. But I will do them anyway, because I know that Gods strength becomes mine when I get to the end of what I call being strong. I know that I am lifted up in what I think is a very low spot at this time. I know that even on the hard days He is still good, and nothing can take that away. I know this too will pass.

There’s a passage in Acts that I want to share with you. I have come to know that in my worst struggles, and lonely times the Lord is near. He makes Himself known. This story I want to talk about is found in Acts 10. Peter saw a vision as he was praying one day on the roof top of four legged animals and reptiles and stuff. He heard a voice tell him to kill and eat. Peter, of course said uhhhh no thanks I have never eaten anything impure/unclean. And the voice said to him, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean”. Now I know this is talking about meat and gentiles and whatever you can think of. To me, reading this today meant more to me than just it’s ok to be friends with a gentile, though.

I sit here with tears of course as I imagine my Heavenly Father say to the world, “Do not call Sara unclean when I have made her clean”. Ya see, there are not enough showers to wash off the filth I carry or sometimes pick back up. But there is One who took on the mission of Mercy, the mission of Grace. God sent his only son it says in John 3:16 to come into the world to stand in my place. He took the filth. He wore it, so that I could be clean. I do not like talking about this part of my life. Who would? But I know that the Lord is turning the ashes of my past in to the beauty of the present and future. He will make it all beautiful one day, and I know that. If you are out there reading this, and you feel the same can you know that you are loved despite the wounds. You are accepted no matter what. You are adopted into the family of God. We can not by any means allow the enemy to win. Why? Because the Lord well He has big stuff planned. So, really if you are reading this- hang on. Morning is coming. I promise.

Can I go back to wondering now?.. I wonder if when Mary was holding that little baby did her heart beat the same as when he hung on that cross? I wonder if through all of the stares and whispers Joseph got did he just smile at them because he knew something far greater than they did. I wonder when Jesus was praying in the garden.. when he was fully aware of what was about to happen did he know? Did He know all of the times I would reject Him and turn my back on Him?

Yet, He still went.

He still followed the road to Calvary. What kind of love would take my place? Pure. Pure love that washes me clean.