It is funny to me that when I ask someone else who struggles with alcohol/drug addiction I say, “Is so and so one of us”? Like we have a small gang or something weird, but no really I am asking, “Has she been through what I have been through, has she walked where I walked, does she know the feelings of shame and regret, does she know loss”, and so many more questions that is wrapped up into that one question alone.
“Is she one of us?”
This is for the ladies who walked into my life over the past three years. (Yep, it will be three years in May.) This is for the ladies who brightened my life, and broke my heart all in the same. This is for the one who is like me, and I just want to say to you do not give up. Two years ago on this day, I sat in front many people who poured into my life that past year. I sat in front of ones like me and ones that have never touched a drug before and you know what? They all love me the same. They all celebrated me the same, because truth is I am no different. I am the same as them just a different struggle. So, maybe when I ask that question, “Is she one of us?” I should be asking instead- “Does she love the Lord, is she saved, is she hurting, is she desperate for help, what is her story, has she been rejected or broken or hurt, or is she searching for something to fill the hole, the emptiness inside of her?” There are so many of them I could ask because those are the questions that matter. And sometimes I lose sight of that.
You do matter. All of you matter.
I wrote something a few days after I graduated from Moriah House, and I am just going to share it with you..
“They told me of a man who performed miracles
Ya know, he healed the sick, gave sight back to the blind, he got the lame to walk, and even the deaf to hear. Who is He? I better stay away. He can never see me. I mean, if He knew what I had done. The money I stole, the hearts I broke, oh and even the relationships I destroyed. He could never love me.
They told me of a man who loved the lepers. “He touched them”, they said in disbelief, “He held the unclean, and right then we saw them become clean!”, still not believing what they saw. Who? Who would touch the unclean? Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he know no one goes near the outcasts? That is the whole reason they are banished. No one wants that filth around them!!
But then they told me of the same man who hung on a cross. “He calls himself the Son of God”, they said walking off in the distance. I followed them to the place and on a hill there was the cross along with two other. He was beaten covered in blood, and on his head was a crown made of thorns. People were laughing as he hung there struggling and shouting at him, “If you really are the Son of God then save yourself”. I inched a little closer to that cross to see if I could see his face. When his eyes met mine I asked, “Why?? Why did they do this to you? I have heard about you. I know you can do great things just come down!! Show them!! Show them who you are! Save yourself. You do not have to do this!!” I continued as I stared at his broken face, his eyes were so tired, and I knew he was in much pain
“Why are you you doing this?????”, I screamed
“For you”, He replied. “I am doing this for you”.
Tears streamed down my face as I walked away hearing him say
It. Is. Finished.
He was gone. This man I only heard of But what if he really was the son of God?
Three days later, they told me this man was alive even though I saw him die! What do you mean? How could it be? “I saw him!!”, they said. “Come. See for yourself”. So, I followed them to the place where he was and my eyes could not believe what I saw. He stood there very much alive.
Tears once again streamed down my face as I stood in front of him “Who are you”?, I asked.
He smiled at me and grabbed my hand and said to me, “My Daughter, I am the Savior of the world.”
I would like to tell you about a man who changed my life. He took it and turned it completely upside down so that all could fall off. That is still happening, and I just may be upside down for the rest of my life. Little by little, the change was taking place and believe me when I was afraid he would say, “Do not worry I am here”.
Every day I walk a little taller
Every night I smile and thank him for my life
Because He broke the chains
He grabbed me up out of that pit
He put the broken pieces back together
He set me free
And He never let go
This man. His name is Jesus. He walked this earth, he carried the burdens, and he took the pain..for me, and for you. It does not matter if I struggle in addiction with alcohol/drugs/bulimia or if I have a problem with going to the casino? I don’t know I just know this…
He. Still. Carried. It.
All of it. Every single thing.
And this is what was given to us:
Grace upon Grace upon Grace
Yes, there is a love much greater than I could ever know, but I rest in knowing that I do not have to. I can just take it in every day of my life, and I can walk in the confidence that I belong to Him- the chain breaker, the way maker. Jesus. The name above all names.