“I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains? No, my strength comes from GOD, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.”
I really do not even know what to say except that T.D. Jakes is right. I do not know how tied I am to something/someone until I have to give it up. There is so much truth in that. I have paced back and forth in my head today like someone who waits for their loved one to come out of surgery asking myself question after question. Gahhhh so many questions, and now I just sit here in my car watching noname the cat and her babies play. Now what? Do I jump off that cliff Rose always talks me off of? Do I call Jamie Lynn, and talk about absolutely nothing? Do I call my mom, and maybe she’ll drive three and a half hours and bring me chicken spaghetti because she makes the best. She really does. I request it every time I go for a visit. Do I try to kidnap the kittens in hopes of finding them a home? Do I even take a break? I don’t know I just don’t know.
I will tell you one thing while I wait for the words to pop into my head, because I really do not have much to say. For some reason, though, I am still here anyway. Sometimes it sucks in the middle. Raise your hand if you agree. Sometimes it sucks even more in the middle when it does not really make any sense but just stepping out in faith and hardcore trusting comes in for the next step. The middle is the hardest I think. That is just me, though. To start out may be the scariest, to finish may be the most rewarding, but to be in the middle could just be the most exhausting. Now, I really could just be saying this because my pup does not allow much sleep in my life at the moment, but I think 89.7% goes to the changes that are or already have taken place. I welcome these changes. Most days I am not a fan, but I thank the Lord anyway. Change produces growth, ya know? I know that I will not be the same when all of this is over. It has however been a very hard transition for me. Today is the first day I have not shed tears over the fact that I no longer live at MH. I have only shared that with the Lord until this very moment not because I am ashamed of them just because it is a deep grief for me. I miss my ladies, my ducks, as I call them. I do know that what the Lord says is true for every situation we have walked through together here lately, and because of that I choose to trust Him. Heart breaking moments have happened since then. There have been times I really did not want to get out of bed, reply to a text, or make myself go to work. It has been rough, and I wish that I could sugar coat that for you, but why would I? We all go through seasons where change occurs, and it simply sucks 100% sometimes, but in that certain season there is still beauty. And that is what I choose to look for today and the days to follow.
“Then he said to his servant, “Go and look out toward the sea.” The servant went and looked, then returned to Elijah and said, “I didn’t see anything.” Seven times Elijah told him to go and look. Finally the seventh time, his servant told him, “I saw a little cloud about the size of a man’s hand rising from the sea.” Then Elijah shouted, “Hurry to Ahab and tell him, ‘Climb into your chariot and go back home. If you don’t hurry, the rain will stop you!’”
1 Kings 18:43-44
So, I figure I will stay on my cliff, and not make my mom drive so far. She hates Memphis traffic, anyway, and just trust and pray and believe what the Lord has already said. Because I know, I really do, that He would not lead me where He has not already prepared for me to go. I am just going to take one step at a time, and I believe I will start with my left foot. My left foot and I will pray in faith like Elijah did that time many moons ago when he prayed for rain. Ain’t that somethin? Three years of drought it says in 1 Kings 18:1, and Elijah says to his servant later on down the chapter, “Hello. Rain is coming”. Y’all. I bet his servant man looked at him like my boss looks at me sometimes (ok, most times) like I just do not know what to do with her as he shakes his head. Elijah kept sending his servant to look for clouds. Seven times he did this. So, you think they are just loyal people- those servants? Or they might endure harsh treatment if they did not obey? I am just wondering because maybe after the third time I would have taken the train back home. This fella opted out on that option, and saw the little cloud on the seventh trip. He was way excited I bet going back to tell E the news! I think it is super cool how Elijah talked of rain before he prayed for it. He spoke it, believed it, and knew it was coming! Maybe he started with his left foot, too.
Ya see, God is still the God who brings rain from tiny clouds. He is still on the throne. He is still at work. He is still good. Yes, even when nothing makes sense. He will always be good!