I come here today with just a few thoughts runnin around in my brain. So, just hold on to your hats while I share my life with you for a minute or ten. Really, I am just sitting in my car with the cat while she eats. I say I don’t love her, but then I get to work 30 minutes early so I can make sure she has food because she has babies to feed now. But I do not love her I say. Yeah, and Christopher Columbus did not sail the ocean in whatever year that was. (I always want to say 1942, but maybe it is 1492?) When I was eating my breakfast today, I thought it would really suck to be allergic to bananas. They are not my favorite, but they sure are tasty. And the google says something about leg cramps. Oh!! Potassium. That’s what is in a banana! Someone asked me once why one of my curtains was backwards. I did not have a explanation for such a question like that. I mean, I don’t know is it really backwards just because the tag is showing? Who gets to decide that?? The one who sewed it together? I’m not bitter, ok. I am just voicing my concerns!
Not only is all of this on my brain, but today is my last day and last night to be with the ladies. That is sad. Also, good. A lot of emotions running through right now. In these past few days I have sat on the thought of change, and how much I hate it. I also think about the weight of my choice that has led me to this situation.
Let me say something else…
I think about Peter when he denied Jesus. I think about the emotions running through him, the thoughts racing, the heart break, and the anger he felt in those moments. But even then he said, “No, I am not one of them. I don’t know Him. I don’t follow Him.” And when he realized the depth of that, the “never say never” moment, he ran away to weep. I think about the emotions then at that exact time when his eyes met his Lord, his friend, his teacher, and his Saving Grace. I think of the sadness, the grief that overwhelmed him. And yet, Peter, in all of his “I wouldn’t do that” went on to be the rock on which Jesus built his church. A lot of people just see his denial and how all over the place he was. I saw that too, and it was not until I was at a place in my life where I realized that moment in Peter’s life became the moment in which he knew what he was capable of when he took his eyes off of Jesus. What happened to Peter I believe had to happen, because that is where he started to figure it out that without the Lord nothing is good.
Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zero.
When this truth hit me, I have been reading about Peter ever since. I read about the story of the disciples in the boat and Jesus on the shore yelling out to them “Have you caught anything?”, and they say “Nope. Sure haven’t.” ,and Jesus says to them, “How about you try the other side?”. Do you know that it says that John realized it was Jesus as soon as their net was full of fish? True story. What is even more touching to me is as soon as Peter hears it from John he takes off. True story also. I cannot help but think about Peter’s heart in this moment, and the joy that he must have felt when he heard “That’s the Lord, Peter”. He ran to Jesus even though he knew the weight of that screw up. He knew he was unworthy, he knew what he did, and yet he ran to grace. Why? Because Jesus told him once, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. I am the living water, the bread of life, I am vine, the Good Shepherd, the lamb of God, and The Word on which you stand.” He knew the truth, and he did not wait for the boat with all the fish chillin in the net to get to Him. No, he took off, and Jesus did not turn him away. I like to think not even fear got in the way of Peter and Jesus that day. There was no wall that kept them apart, or bitterness carried. I bet there was not one thing left unsaid. I think about how Peter felt in those moments when Jesus would ask him how much he loved Him. Was he nervous? I doubt it. I don’t know I wasn’t there. I would love to have been a fish in the net, though. Well, maybe something else since fish kinda can’t breathe out of the water.
Anyway, I come on here to write what my heart wants to say, and not really the religious answer. And here it is: I know I am about to sound really bad when I say this, but I am going to anyway. If I could go back and change what happened I probably would not. I know I know this is why I saved this for last so you wouldn’t give up on the story above. It is such a good one! I know. You think I am crazy for saying that. Well, I am. But here’s the thing, hear me out please. Because of the choice I made I have grown. Because of it, I have sought the Lord more. Because of it I am more aware of the strongholds in my life. Because of that choice, I know what I am capable of when I take my eyes off of Jesus. And YES ma’am/sir, I still struggle. But I will not tap out, give up, walk the other way, or ya know whatever you say you can add it to the list. I do not justify my sin, or push it away. Had I made a different choice one pleasing to the Lord and in obedience to Him, my life would be different right now. I know that, but instead the consequences that I have faced because of my own doing leaves me writing this blog. Even in the mess I created, though, God is going to get the glory for what He plans to do through me. It is not over. So, let me say it again I do not by any means minimize what I did, or the weight, the disappointment, and the hurt that I caused. If I could go back and change two things one would be to erase all of that from the ones I love. But I cannot do that. The good news however is that when Satan, my accuser, brings up my past God’s like dude I don’t even remember that. Because when He looks at me He sees Jesus who stands in my place. Someone besides me needs to read that today. Or maybe it is just me. Who knows. I just write. I want to be like Peter in that moment when he realized love was waiting for him no matter what else was coming his way. I want to be that confident to run in to the presence of the Lord…clean, righteous, completely known, and dearly loved. No walls. No secrets. Nothing to hold me back. Nothing left unsaid. Complete surrender.