Well, Ferdinand has been in the hospital. He just went home yesterday, and is feeling much better. Ferd is my fish for those of you wondering why I have a friend named Ferdinand. He made it through his “I give up on life” mode again, and is swimming like a pro. I wonder what life looks like sideways? I tell him all the time I love him sideways or not. I figure he appreciates that everyone needs to know they are loved even if they’re all over the place. I could spend all day on here telling you about my fish. I know their life. Yes, I do have friends outside of my fish world. I would love to tell you about them one day, and their hobbies. Today, however, I want to say well let me say this first, I do not like saying it. I like to hide it because shame and guilt and this I need to be a different person takes over when I say it. But I’m hitting publish today for two reasons 1. Satan loses and 2. this is my journey and I have to own it. (My Rose taught me that one) I’m going to add a number 3, and that is it is ok. It really is ok if people do not accept you, put you down, or judge you. That is their stuff, not mine. The ones who stand by no matter what are the ones that matter anyway, ya know?
A few weeks ago, I entered an outpatient program for my eating disorder. Yeah, I said it. A week or so from that God woke me up, and told me to paint that cross in my art room. This cross that I got a year ago, and has been sitting in my room ever since. I thought that was the weirdest idea ever because not only was it four in the morning, but all I had were small paint brushes. I tried to go back to sleep, but I was wide awake. So, I went to my art room complaining the whole way. I’m not bitter ok I’m just sharing the struggle. It took me a very long time but I finished it and left it there to dry. I think I was more upset that I had no idea why I was painting that cross than the fact that a tiny paint brush helped me do it. The next night I was up again around the same time wide awake. So, I turned on my music, made some coffee, and got ready for my quiet time. I opened my bible to the place I had marked from the last time I read. 1 Peter 2:24-25 caught my eye, yeah just one eye, (I don’t know why we say that because we have two eyes) and here is what it said:
“He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed. Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to your Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls.”
After reading that, I got up went to the cross and began to write all the things I was carrying. Well all except my ED because I refused to say I had one. I did not want another label on me I had enough already. I laid back down, and it was not long before I heard in the silence of my room “I carried that one, too”. That is when I got back up walked to that cross, and wrote the word “Bulimia” on there. It is weird how when this was happening nothing changed, tears did not come, I did not feel anything, and not even a miracle healed me instantly. No, not at all. I will tell you in that moment that was the deciding factor that I would do whatever it took to get better. Because the truth is He did carry all of it. He took on my labels the world calls me today, and He gave me a new one that claims me as His. He is enough, and I know when I do the things that I do, I am saying He isn’t. The cross didn’t mean anything. I often ask myself that question “Are you enough for me today?”. This morning as I was eating my breakfast with every bite I said the words “You are enough”. Yes, out loud. He is more than enough.
I am thankful today for that little paint brush, because He knows it takes me a little longer than others sometimes. He loves me just the same, though, that I am convinced of! And just so you know, He could have delivered me instantly that morning there is no doubt in that. He is our chain breaker, deliverer, strong tower, and my favorite..place of safety. Maybe just maybe He chose a different route for me, route 56 instead of 44, and I will cling to my savior all the day long because I know His plan is so much better than mine. ❤