In the mess

I spent time with my Memphis family this weekend. All except for one. You know, I have gained family members along the way, but there is just something real special about the ones who started this journey with me. They are the family I chose or maybe they chose me but either way I am thankful for them. Before I write about what I came here for I want to say some things about them. I want you to know them too. So, first there is Gran. She’s not old nor is she really my grandmother we have talked about this before. She is my Gran and I will call her that forever, and forever she will answer to it. I asked her if she would teach me how to cook things her way.. she is still thinking about that one. If I were in her shoes I would definitely continue to think about that for at least another month. But I don’t think we wear the same size shoes so I do not know what the outcome of that will be. Even if we did, I prefer not to walk in any shoes anyway. Next is Mimsy. She has a real name as well that I will never call her. Great sponsors get promoted to grand sponsors and their name gets changed. That is rule #35 in the rule book that I just made up. Ok ok maybe if we are in a crowd of strangers I might say her real name but to me she is my Mims and forever she will be just that. Also when I am nervous she is always prepared to make a face at me so I will forget about my nerves. They are so priceless every time, and she never lets me down on the faces. She reminds me to sleep tight and I assure her I will not let the bed bugs bite most nights. Then there is Alisa. She is all about the coffee..different flavors, different times but always coffee. I admire ones persistence in this area. I took after her now I’m all about the coffee too. She really played a big part in my journey through MH. I have made it my mission to give back to the ladies like I was given by her. I can never do enough or say enough thank yous to ever compensate the love that was shown, but to give back. I walked into celebrate recovery a couple of years ago (that’s crazy) terrified. I did not know what I was going to do, but I was brave enough to go to the newcomers meeting. And there was Jenna. She was the first one to hop on my journey, and she is the reason I have this family. We have had many conversations along the way, and much laughter. I love that about us. I can talk about the weirdest things, and it is ok because more than likely she will agree. Or just continue to laugh uncontrollably. Last but not least is my Debbie Ann. I am pretty sure that is not her middle name, but I have attached it to her. Debbie spits out random things that you never thought you would want to know, but then you do and life makes a little bit more sense. I never know what will come out of her mouth, but this I do know.. there is always a smile waiting for me. Always. She recently named me Petunia. That’s a flower. Yeah, see I told you I learn many things from her. As I was sitting at the table the other night listening to them talk I just smiled because the beauty of this is they all fit together. None of them are alike, but the common bond is what holds them close. And I love that. Yes, yes they are a bit on the crazy side, and that is why I also fit in. What? You thought I was normal? I may not see them as much as I would like or even hear their voice often, but I know when I step foot in their presences (I am not sure that is a word) I am loved, I am safe, I am cared for, and a hug is always waiting for me. Because that is family. And I can not speak for them, but I happen to love them very much. I tell them all that is going on, and they have walked some scary parts of my journey with me. They still do.

Even today.

When reality hits it hits hard. There is no more pink cloud, or lies that you are believing to mask the truth of how big the problem is. Same place different problem. I have often found myself saying how did I get here again. I do not have the answers to that. In my devotion this morning it talked about family. I guess that is why I brought them up. Because you see even in reality they are still there, and most of the time they see it before I do. I will not go in to detail at this moment of what is going on in my life I just needed to say it is ok. It is ok to ask for help. There is no shame there. It is ok to struggle. It is, and when we, I say we, but when I believe that truth things change. Not over night trust me, but they change. Probably because there’s no dark to hide in. I heard something at my downline class that has for real stayed with me through these weeks. He said, “Sin is a direct offense towards God. It is like I am saying I don’t want to be like you. I want to hide in the dark than be in the light.” I know, that is a hard one to grasp. It does not end there though. You know, I may feel defeated at the moment but the truth is we win in the end. The enemy can come after us in all sorts of ways, and he can fight us and fight us. But what that loser obviously does not care about is one day (I hope soon) yes one day he will be no more. He already knows he’s defeated. So, why would I walk around feeling like I have lost?

I know this does not even really make sense if you do not know my life, but hang in there it is coming. I have two more things to say. 1. To the ones who have stepped on my journey with me and became part of my family I am also very thankful for you. Lots of women and one man. His name is Robert. And 2. I do not have a sponsor anymore and I have not been going to Celebrate recovery I know I hear you, Gran. But even in this mess I am in they climb in with me. To the ones that do that thank you for showing me how to love. I am not really sure what the next weeks following look like, and sometimes that is scarier than I let on. But I do know that I will not walk it alone. Psalm 139:5 says “You go before me and you follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.” The beauty of the mess is that He is already there, and one day the mess will be a message. And He will have the glory.