As I was driving home tonight, I started thanking God for all the things He has done in my life. Honestly, my attitude has been pretty crappy lately, and I get wrapped up in the lie that I can not change. The truth though is I have and am changing little by little. As my Gran use to say to me all the time and it seems to be the one thing I hear tonight is, “Don’t give up before the miracle happens”. And even though I am not where I need to be the miracle has already happened. God is and has already done impossible things in my life.
Hold one moment, I want to tell you about my Gran real quick. She is not old nor is she really my grandparent. She is my grandsponsor well now she’s my great grand, and she has a name I do not call her by. I’ll be 78 still calling her my Gran I’m sure of it. She has played a big part in the whole recovery process. She was the one who baptized me, she loves cows (always a winner in my book), she accepts that I hate shoes, and she is a fan of me. She believed in me when I did not believe in myself, (many others too) and for that I am thankful. I never question whether I am loved by her or not. Now that I get to give back and walk with my girls through their journey sometimes I open my mouth and my Gran comes out. I am ok with this. It is not as scary as you think.
Ok, we can go back now to what I was saying. I got my 30 day chip at CR on Thursday for one of the other giants I face in my life. I almost let that moment fall through the cracks because of the shame and guilt I felt. I have been battling getting better with this for over a year and I just now have 30 days. I know I know, I am much harder on me than anyone could ever be. Seriously though I almost forgot the feeling of accomplishment that comes when you receive a chip. Of course for me it always comes after the scary walk to the stranger to get it, but I sat down in that chair proud of the little red reminder of where I am. To me, it reminds me of much more, and of what is to come. No, I am not cured, but I am walking in the miracle that God is providing. After all, He is my provider. I sent a scripture to some of my CR ladies today that is found in Job and I was asked a question that has really made my brain work over time. Job 23:10 says, “But He knows where I am going. And when He tests me I will come out as pure as gold.” The question was does He test our faith or our obedience? I vote faith, because without faith I think all of the others are impossible. To believe that God, despite us and our circumstances, is working it all out is a beautiful picture of what it means to have faith. This past 30 days has been a real struggle because when we fight the monster it’s harder than just giving in and letting him beat you up. But when you give your all, and when you say no matter what the miracle begins to happen. God begins to work, and then you find yourself not being able to explain how you made it through the day. This is me right now.
It is only through faith that I keep walking. That 30 day chip says more. It says long days and hard nights, many tears, blowing up my person’s phone when I am struggling, being vulnerable, honesty, no more letting the enemy win, and here is to you, God, the only One who gets the glory. Had I given in to the feelings of that shame and guilt I felt God would not have gained any glory. Hear me when I say this, He is the reason I get through every day, and He is the reason I keep on fighting. He is the giant slayer, the chain breaker, and the keeper of my heart.
So, if you need to know that the miracle is coming let me say it is…When we don’t give up. When we lean on each other. When we seek God above all else. When we take our eyes off of the storm. When we hold on to our hope. That, my friend, is when the miracle begins, and you’ll find yourself thanking God for all of the blessings along the way.
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9