Even in the hurt 

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-5‬ ‭

I came across a quote today that said, “Speak the truth even if your voice shakes”. Speaking truth in the story God has written for me is one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. To open my mouth and speak, and write the most hurtful parts but somewhere they say there’s healing in it. If you are reading this and you have walked or are walking through hard things I have something to say. The truth wins. To share my story is not just so healing comes for me, but to comfort others who have walked the same road or who are in the midst of it as I write this. The questions I have asked myself these past few days is simply why am I so afraid of my shame and the guilt that I carry? Is it because I am afraid of what is on the other side? What does it look like to not carry the weight of what I have done and what has been done to me? Sometimes I think I should not write things like this, but it seems to be the only way I can speak. My fingers tremble just thinking about what I have to say next, and get across the deepest part of my heart. And while it seems like I am here today for me the truth that I want to speak is for you. 

It is not your fault. 

Please believe me when I say that is one of the biggest truths I have the hardest time believing. I was asked the other day what if it was someone else looking at me telling me the same words I was saying. What would I say to them? What do I wish would have been said to me. I have thought about this for days and nights honestly, and here are the words that I would say. 

You are beautiful, and you matter. What was done to you does not define who you are. What was said does not make it true. God is not mad at you, and the punishment that you think you deserve is only a lie that keeps you in bondage. Oh how He loves us. He was there. He saw. He heard and He is here now. In the most deepest part of your hurt. Every tear you have shed He holds close. He doesn’t want the all together you He wants you as you are. Broken. Honest. I want you to know it was not nor will it ever be your fault. You were a child. And the guilt and the shame you carry belongs at the feet of your savior. He carried that weight. He was broken. He was crushed. For you. You deserve to know that truth. That you are loved and you are forgiven. Rest in the shadow of the Almighty and in the presence of your Father. He’s got you wrapped around His big ole arms and He’s saying, “You are enough for me, my child. You will always be enough for me. I promise.”

I do not know if anyone will read this, and walk away with your head a little higher. But I do know the ashes will be replaced someday. Beauty will come. And one day, yes, one day a bloom will emerge from the harsh winter. Spring will come. Joy will return. Dancing will happen. This too will pass. And we will look back on the days we thought we could not make it another step only to see how far He has carried us. Because we mean that much to Him. 
“Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms.” Psalms‬ ‭68:19‬ ‭

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