You are going to think I am crazy when I say this, and you are correct. My fish came to devotion with me this morning. I asked him what in the world was he doing, but then quickly realized he is a fish and can not answer me. I also wondered lots of questions like does he hate that his name is Barlow? Is he afraid of my hot mess? Is that why he is staring at me so intently? What will his life be like in a fish bowl? Does he like the music that is playing? If he could be anything in the world would he still choose to be a fish? So many questions so little answers. By the way, I know you are probably hoping for Honduras stories, but I am not quite there yet. No one told me that my heart would be walking around 2,389 miles away from me. (I would not want to try that one on foot) Being back home sure has been an adjustment, and life is not going back to normal. So I have to find a new normal which apparently consists of having devotion time with my fish. I could not tell, but I think he might have liked the reading this morning.
“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” – Miriam Adeney
Since being home, it does not feel much like home anymore, I have run into some problems. Fact: life is still hard. Have you ever made a stupid decision? If you say no, I am sure you would be telling a story. And I do not mean one about princesses and fairies. I have a really difficult time sometimes not allowing God full control over a situation, and because of that the decision to try to make it better ends up being the dumbest decision in the history of decisions. (I know we have been here before in my other writings – maybe one day I will learn.) I was driving down the road the other day angry at myself, and probably a lot of hurt as well when “Thy Will Be Done” by Hillary Scott was playing in the background. I immediately turned it to another station trying to get away from the words and the feelings that came with it just to hear the same song. You think God was trying to say something? Thy will be done.
There are some days where I am normal and other days where I am two hairs away. That particular day I was a bit on the abnormal side of things, but that is right where I needed to be. I opened my bible and started looking up scripture to go along with the song and it took me to the Lords Prayer of course. It says, “Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven”. Does that hit you in a weird way? It did me.
As it is in Heaven.
Heaven is perfect. God’s will for my life is perfect. Enough said. It also took me to the garden where Jesus knowing what He was about to endure prayed Father not my will but yours be done.
As it is in Heaven.
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42
I write this with tears of course, because He did not have to go through with it. And he’s saying in Sara words that “God I do not want to do this, it is hard, it is scary, but I want whatever you want and if that means taking on the sins of the world then ok your will be done”. I have to somehow get out of the way of what I want, and say the same, “God, I do not want this, it is hard, it is scary, it is sometimes painful, but I want whatever you want and if that means giving up things and moving aside so you can work then ok your will be done”. I know that whatever comes of this, it is perfect. It may not be perfect in my eyes, and I am past ready for it to be over, but my Daddy’s will is much more perfect, and good than my will could ever be. I will believe that.
I think Barlow would remain a fish if he had a choice. I mean, who would not want that life?